Apparently you have a limited amount of attractiveness in your life.

As I said before, when I was a kid I was very romantic. My idea of romance was going to the mall and hang out. Maybe buy ice cream and talk.

I was so normal even I’m bored reading this.

I had a couple of boyfriends in kindergarten. Yeah, I was a socially defined “slut”.

One of the boys was Hugo. I don’t even know his last name – oh my mama would be so ashamed- he was so sweet. But I don’t remember if it was a long relationship. I do remember he wrote me a letter and he made me a flower with some crafts kit he had.

I was a very easily embarrassed kid. I could never stand it when someone said I was pretty. I went straight on purple, super embarrassed. So when Hugo gave me that flower all I did was say thanks and ran out of there. Little did I know that my “mother in law” will call my mom and tell her that his kid was crying because I was so cold.

And I was like, dafuq? This would happen to me later on in life, just 11 years later.

I was so over Hugo. I understand that I wasn’t very empathetic, but I was 4. And frankly I never got how we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, kindergarten was so weird.

After Hugo, Roman came – where was I finding this kids!?. He was so tiny. I think I just liked him because someone else did.

And then, after kindergarten I almost had a boyfriend in 1^st grade.

It was summer camp 1995, Andrew and I were just outside the pool area. I loved his eyes. OMG the most beautiful green you’ve ever seen. He was so nice to me, so cute. I really liked him.

But just like everything in life, I had a trouble asking for things and knowing that I deserve them.

So when he said that he wanted to be my boyfriend, I freaked out! I thought that I would never be liked by anyone, I mean he was really pretty. Like Jesse Williams or Tom Cruise before Scientology pretty.

When I said “no” he told everybody that he would never love again, that he would become this mean thing, so mean he would hate everyone. And he did.

I mean, did I just turned this kid into a villain? Am I like Padme Amidala? Was he my Anakin?

I was such a dramatic kid. But you can see where I had trouble right? I spent years and years after that wondering why I didn’t have anyone special. Life gives, life takes.

Would my life had been different? Would I still be with Andrew? Maybe we’d have little-cute-amazing green eyed-babies.

I already had 3 boys on my behalf and I wasn’t even using fountain pens!

But, 3^rd grade came. And with that, my first public humiliation.

Of course this has to do with a boy. But now that I come to think of it, I’ve always been in love with love, the one that TV sold me. I liked boys, they liked me back; I walk away. It was like I wanted to be alone and be in love with the impossible.

Ok, so, 3^rd grade. I liked this cute boy, his name was Tomas. He had blue eyes, so apparently I like light color eyed guys. He was so nice, his brother was my brother’s classmate so we knew the other existed. And he was so nice to me. That’s the moment that I felt love in my heart.

You know, expectations on dating almost anyone are the exact same ones that a dog has for its owner. We want someone that will takes us out to enjoy ourselves, someone that loves us and tells us everything that if we feel bad, he will take care of us, someone that even if we break something of theirs will love us unconditionally. Ok, maybe not like a dog in the sense of going out and pooping, but it’s nice to know that if we have trouble with that, they’ll be patient.

I made one mistake, only one. A mistake that will have me humiliated in front of the entire class.

Like, ok, so I wrote his name surrounded by a heart shaped blob on my textbook. Why would I do that?! We kept all of the classroom textbooks inside this giant locker on the back left side of the class.

When this other kid walks up to the locker to hand down the books, he read what I wrote outloud. I felt like Faith Hill, he was killing me softly with his words. I felt so ashamed. Tomas felt worse for some reason – I mean, you’re welcome buddy; a girl likes you, big deal. He was so embarrassed! Poor guy, he was just nice and I was in love with love.

So yeah, that’s my first ever shameful experience with love-ish.

I felt like when I was a toddler I had better luck with guys, and I wasn’t wrong! The more I got older, the more difficult it was to love someone and have that someone love me back.

If only life wasn’t like that, am I right?

After Tomas, Bon Jovi came. You know, when you are a kid you like boys because you see that girls are supposed to like boys – thank you Disney very much. But when I saw “It’s my life” for the first time, something within me changed. I was hooked. He was perfect. And we’re talking about someone 20 years older than me. I knew that he was a man, and I wouldn’t sleep until I find a man like him.

So yeah, maybe all the guys that I’ve had a crush on were somehow compared to what I thought Bon Jovi was, deep down I knew I had to find my Jon.

I’ve made a fool of myself, waiting outside school so that the guy I liked could see me, I took pictures of guys in recess, I even had people talking to them about me so I knew what they thought. I was so shy, but I had BALLS.

I mean, the moment I got over a crush, I’d tell him; like “hey man, did you know I had a crush on you before? Yeah, for like two weeks, I got over it; but lucky you huh!”.

How lame was that? But I gotta give it to myself, I had balls.

Eventually I had a crush on a guy and he had a crush on me as well, at the same time!

I’ll tell you later.

HOW DISNEY RUINED MY GENERATION.

I’ve always been a romantic. Since I saw my first Disney movie, I wanted that love.

For years I wrote on my diary that I wanted to find my prince (At 11 years old!).

I didn’t have very high expectations; he had to be funny, kind, smart, cute, and skinny but not a stick, a little of belly –I’m not kidding, I actually wrote skinny, but not a stick. I never once wrote that he actually had to love me. Thanks Disney.

Did you ever noticed that? The princesses love this other men they meet, with no questions. I mean, even Mary Antoinette knew something was wrong with her spoon-loving prince. She then devoted herself to tea-partying.

That’s a plausible way of living if this architecture-writing thing doesn’t work out.

Anyway. Disney.

I mean, yeah, we always thought that these princesses were amazing because they talked to animals, they could sing, wear this stunning gowns and were always skinny and beautiful. They had 16 years old and not a care in the world.

I never questioned what Disney showed me. Why not? Was I brainwashed or something? I mean those years were important to develop a critical human being.

But I never hesitated when Ariel said she was sixteen and wanted to change her life and leave her family behind because she fell in love with some dude (cute, yes) that she saw only one time from a distance. And was even dumb enough to fall from a ship.

I believe this was the premise for the Twilight saga. No one ever wondered how much it would affect little girls seeing that she wants to leave everything for a boy? Even change her species?

And not only that, her father says yes to the fact that she is leaving and marrying this guy?! Bitches-fishes- be crazy.

Why didn’t I wondered something was wrong when all this girls could talk to animals?? I mean, did I think this was normal? It just wasn’t something that bothered me, apparently I had a clear differentiation between real life and animated films. Although there were some years where I thought that the toys in my room moved whenever I left.

Another weird obsession that I’ve noticed is this fuzz for Snow White and Cinderella. Um… WHAT?

Cinderella does nothing, she doesn’t even stand up for herself when she is being bullied into cleaning and cooking in her own home.

I believe this is the moment that I decided that step-mothers were awful. I’ve never seen any step-mother in any other movie that were portrayed as this evil villain. So I think that, even though children can hate the concept of someone “occupying” their mom’s place, Disney had a LOT to do with the “hate your step-mother” or “HYSP” movement.

She didn’t have many friends, she only talked to mice and birds, does she have a mental illness like Ariel? Are they friends in an institution? Are we seeing films about sick women? Why did she needed to be rescued by her godmother? She only wanted a dress and to go out.

I know fairy godmother had the magic wand, I’m not stupid, but I’m talking about being a whole person, confident, strong. She had everything done for her, the only thing she had to do was stand up to her family.

Snow White. Why? It’s not that I hate her (kinda), but she was afraid of everything in the woods, she saw a cabin and the first thing she did was to go in and mess the place up.

Her curse was to be beautiful, the fairest of them all. And the queen hated her for it.

So she was too pretty. Get it together girl. Move to another town, you had your window of opportunity when the boys went to the mine. So the queen poisons her, oh poor Snow White.

The prince…. THE PRINCE comes and saves her. She could have saved herself, but no, the german society didn’t encourage travel. I mean, this guy does NOTHING in the entire movie, he comes across this lady sleeping and he thinks. Oh, great, she didn’t give me consent, I’ll kiss her! If she doesn’t say no….

Did you know this is actually how it goes down for Aurora? Sorry, Talia. That’s her real name. Like if any of us millennials can take her seriously after knowing the Mexican Popstar.

Anyway, Talia was in fact proclaimed dead when she stung her finger with the needle of a spinning wheel. Her father, the king, decides to dress her with her best garments and leave her inside the castle lying there in a velvet covered table. Little did he know that by leaving her to her fate, a young hunter decides to walk into the castle. He decides to rape her and impregnates her with two kids, which actually are born – medicine marvel- while she is still asleep. Her kids try to survive and somehow they managed to suck on the poison out of her and Talia wakes up.

Then, the hunter’s wife hears this little story and sends him to kill the kids and feed the king with a stew made out of them – awful, am I right?. But the cook is merciful – yeah, that’s the least you could do- and lets them scape.

The rest is about how the king actually kills his wife and ends up with Talia, “happily ever after”.

Stockholm syndrome. That’s how this movie should be called.

All of this Disney stories have a real sister, the Grimm’s tales, Charles Perrault’s, Hans Christian Andersen’s; they all had very cruel, very morbid stuff in them. So, why would Disney turn them into a kid’s movie? Oh Walt, you big weirdo.

Just so I’m clear, I really like Disney movies. I find the Pixar ones the most attractive. But in defense of fictional princesses I’d like to recognize Jazmin, from Aladdin. She stand up to her father against marriage for power and she defended her right to choose whomever she wanted to love. So I think she was the first feminist in Disney.

Another great character is Mulan. She is the true fighter. Not only had she offered herself to go to war so that her father didn’t have to. She really kicks ass in the army. So, feminist character number two.

Then there’s Tiana. She IS A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Period. She understands what is to have a dream, and work to get it. Has an amazing take on happiness and she falls for the guy AFTER they’ve known each other. So, feminist number three.

And then we have the Frozen ones. Elsa and Anna. I mean, it’s a good movie. It’s nice to see that they portray a) fraternal love instead of romantic love, and b) one of the firsts gay characters !- this one excited me the most.

So Disney has its pros and cons. But for me, unrealistic expectations is the right description.

HOW TV TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING.

 I mean, Carrie Bradshaw made it look so easy. She wrote one sentence, then went out for drinks. Another sentence, she had sex with an amazing guy. Woke up in the middle of the night, while he is gorgeous in his sleep, wrote another sentence (of course ending with a question mark ”…?”). The next day, Sunday I assume, she wakes up and goes to brunch. I MEAN WHO DOES THAT? Now she has a deadline in Monday and only wrote 4 sentences.

Still she had this amazing apartment and clothes. I mean, unrealistic. I think the only real character was Miranda, and no one wanted to be her because she was so "us". She has trouble, always cynic about her friends. That’s who we were, but we didn’t want to see us on tv. So we pretend to be Carrie or Charlotte, we dared to think we were Samantha.

Anyway. I’m 26, so actually I found that my experience with Sex and the city was almost none. 

My parents split up when I was thirteen so it was a tough adolescence for me. My mom had lost her job and she did everything she could to keep us in the same school and neighborhood. My brother wasn’t very much around (he was a kind of metallica-iron maiden-magic the gathering- teen). So all I had left was the tv in front of me.

So I relied on tv to teach me things in a subconscious way.

I learned that is never OK to be with your best friend’s ex, from Donna and Kelly in 90210.

I learned that no matter how you feel, you should never starve yourself into a bikini but it’s good to know you have that big of a will power (just use it for good like Green Lantern), from DJ in Full House.

I learned that you will always love a bad boy as long as he has green eyes, from Amigovios(argentine show).

I learned that you should embrace change and never lose touch with your friends, that tey’ll be there for you when the rain starts to pour; from everyone in Friends. *

*Actually so many other lessons from Friends, they should be a separate chapter.

That no matter how much it hurts, to be in love with your best friend is kind of amazing, from Joey in Dawson’s creek.

That I should cut some slack to my parents, because it’s really really hard of a job; from everyone in Once and Again.

That even if you are a single mom with no degree from any university, you can thrive and become a business woman and have an awesome kid; from Lorelai Gilmore in Gilmore Girls.*

*Of course she had these wealthy parents and order take out all the time and never gained weight. So for that I envy them, but anyway she rocked.

That it’s ok to have only guy friends, that doesn’t make you a weirdo; from Elaine in Seinfeld.

That “bitches get things done” from Tina Fey and Amy Pohler in Weekend Update. I mean two big feminist power houses right there.

That it’s ok to be a little selfish when you are in your twenties just trying to figure it out how to be a grownup without losing who you are, from Hannah in Girls.

That no matter where we come from we should be kind to one another, from Ellen DeGeneres.

That love is love, no matter what label we feel comfortable having; from Orange is the new black.

That you’re life isn’t complete without an awesome gay best friend, from Will & Grace.

That you can be the best at what you do and know that you deserve nothing but greatness, from Olivia Pope in Scandal.*

*Actually Shonda Rhimes should be another great chapter. Her shows had been with me for a decade now. And she is killing it at being a boss. Her characters are full of power and I think that to be around them for so long, they bring out a little bit of a lioness in me.

There so much more tv taught me. I mean, I watch A LOT of tv. I never thought of doing it something of a career. I wouldn’t know how. But if you know, tell me. Because if you don't, i will find you, and i will kill..... Oh, wait, that's from a movie. We'll do movies later.

XO.

L.